Five Month Anniversary of Larry's Passing

Even though this month has been packed with so many people and activities, it has been a long, dreary and depressing month. I'm sure the relentless snow and short, dark days play a huge role in how I am feeling. I think also more of the permanency of Larry's passing has started to set in. A lot of the widows claim that year two is harder than the first year because of that reason. I really am blessed and grateful to have family living with me right now. It helps take the edge off of the loneliness and I don't know what I would have done without their help with all of the snow removal and all of the many other responsibilities that I have.

This is the Christmas card that we sent out to the community over Christmas. The building of our new store was a project that Larry had been working of for the past several years. I know that he would be very pleased with how things are moving forward and very proud of Enoch for doing such an amazing job at such a young age with such big shoes to fill. Not only will Enoch be involved with management when the store opens, he has also been a huge part of the actual building process which he has really enjoyed. We keep joking about how Larry is trying to figure out how to reconnect his Spirit with his body so that he can come help also because he would have loved to be part of the building process as well.  Dallin is currently managing the seed side of the business and Spencer has returned back to BYU to finish his education and comes home when he can to help out. They have both played a crucial role in keeping this side of the business alive and it warms my heart to see all three of them working and laughing together as we confront the very sizable tasks that we have in front of us. Larry would be so proud of these amazing young men!

Dallin and Alyssa both graduated from college in December and flew out to Florida to be with Alyssa's family for a month. They returned to Idaho mid January to start their college free life. Dallin came to help with the business until we can transition it over to other management. We were finally able to celebrate Christmas with them!

Dallin had my name for Christmas this year. I was super excited to open a "Family Adventure" challenge book. The Adventure Challenge is the original scratch-off keepsake with 50 unique adventures that help you explore outside your habits, dive deeper into your relationships and make meaningful memories for your family! We did our first challenge this month where we were challenged to build a large domino using things from around the house.

I was so grateful to be able to spend some time with my good friend, Rebekah McCullough, her boyfriend from Belgium, and her children at Downata hot springs. Despite the many challenges that she has had in life, she still remains one of the kindest people I know and has raised seven amazing children!

This month we said goodbye to my niece, Hailey Spencer, as she will be serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints in Washington for the next 18 months.

Sometimes I have to be creative as to how to keep the kids active during the winter. I started putting on the "King of Country" line dance videos and having Nate learn dances. He loved it and when we went to our friends house, The Mumford's, Nate was teaching everybody. We had so much fun!!!

It is a tradition in the Ward family that the week after Christmas we reserve the church and get together for a Christmas party. The white elephant gift exchange is one of my favorite things to do and is always a lot of fun! We also play games, eat lots of yummy food, dance, and have a talent show. I am so grateful to the Ward family for putting on this fun tradition that our family has the opportunity to be part of. 

This was a number put on by Bekah and all of her cousins who also attend BYU-I.

This month I lost my bragging rights for never having hit a deer. I had picked up Ben from working at Deseret Industries in Preston when a deer came out of nowhere and I hit it with my Honda. Even though Ben and I were a little shook up, I was so grateful that nobody was hurt and the damage was minimal.

I got Spencer to take us all shooting in preparation for me practicing shooting for the Women's Conference that I was planning to go to in St. George. One of the activities that I was planning on participating in was the shotgun shooting and it has been a minute since I have shot a gun. It helped me feel a lot more prepared and it turned out to be a lot of fun!

January 14th & 15th I had the opportunity to attend the widow/widowers conference in St. George with my cousin, Julie, and her dad, Uncle Roger. They are officially Larry's blood relatives, but I claim them as my own.  This was the first time that I attended a full widow/widowers conference and for the most part I really enjoyed it. There were times where I felt awkward or out of place, but for the most part it was very healing and insightful to spend time with my widow/widower friends. In the shotgun shooting I ended up getting 5 out of 20 of my shots! Much better than the 0/0 that I was hitting in the beginning.

Following are cliff notes from Lisa Valentine Clark's opening talk on Joy. Lisa has been a widow for a couple of years and was a caretaker for her husband who tragically passed away from ALS. Lisa starred in "Once I Was a Beehive" and "Random Acts".

In order to have joy we must have pain

You can feel joy through the pain

Joy is a creative act (combine the light and the dark and create something new)

We need to open our minds to what is really possible. What if we were to open our minds to things that we hadn't even considered?

The Savior offer peace and joy that surpasses all understanding

Joy can be practiced by living in the moment and really living!

If you are not present in your life you will miss the joy!

Focus on the things that you can do

We have moments that take our breath away, just don't live there! Give yourself 10-15 minutes to cry, scream or whatever it takes and then get on with life!!!

Being present in grief is so important; find others to be present with you

Gratitude creates joy (gratitude journal)

Me posing for a picture with Lisa

We are so blessed to have the BYU ballroom dance team come and perform at our local theater every year. They are so incredibly talented and so fun to watch!!!

January 22nd was Ben's farwell. He has left to go and live with Spencer and Molly in Provo where he will be serving a two year service mission. Some of the places that he will be serving at include the temple, the Family History Library at BYU, and the MTC. He will also have some other assignments that we are still waiting to learn about. We also just got word that the Provo service mission will now be under the direction of the Provo mission president (they used to be under the Stake President) which will give Ben the opportunities to teach lessons with the full-time elders and be involved with the different mission meetings. Ben was so excited for this opportunity. I am proud of him and I know that Larry is watching him with great pride for his willingness to serve the Lord and serve others in this capacity. Larry loved missionary work so much and one of the things that we were looking forward to as a couple was serving a mission together. I am grateful that missionary work lives on through our children and I look forward to the day that Larry and I can serve together.

This is Ben's good friend, Baylor, whom we have not spent as much time as we we like to since leaving Malad. Ben and Baylor are the same age and have both faced great trials in regards to their physical health. His mother, Marla, and I are pictured below. She has been a very dear friend of mine since I showed up at her house about 16 years ago to introduce myself because I had a friend tell me that she too had a disabled son. We love Marla and Baylor so much and are so grateful for the blessing they have been in our lives.

A dear friend of mine brought me over this fast growing and blooming flower. It is beautiful and a great reminder that there is still a lot of beauty in the world and that I am loved.

In closing I would just like to share some thoughts from a book that I have been reading and a few other thoughts about grieving and experiences that I have had.

One thing I have worked really hard at, especially through this grieving process, is to really pay attention to what is going on inside of me and take the time to recognize and process my emotions.

In my more recent years I have come to a better understanding of how negative emotions can affect our health, just like a virus would. This was also one of the healing modalities that was addressed when we went to Hope 4 Cancer in Mexico.

I have found this book very helpful as I have worked to understand and process these things better. A quote that I really like from this book is as follows:

"Negative vibrations (fear based) create a heaviness in you, while the positive vibrations (love based) create a lightness. If you have experienced more negative vibrations throughout your life, you will feel an imbalance somewhere in your Be-ing. When the negative becomes so overbalanced, something finally has to happen to make you aware of this overbalance/imbalance...whether the imbalance be physical, mental, emotional, spiritual or financial. Many people will experience a crisis of some kind before they truly recognize that, one needs to take another road in life. Some of us have to get to the point of crisis before we are open to the possibility that we would really benefit by changing or shifting to a new awareness." 

I came across this quote on grief this month that I really liked:

"You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly - that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp. Make sure that you live your life through a lens of gratitude and appreciation. You are always going to be sad about your loss, but take that feeling and channel it into love for the life that is all around you."

An experience that I had with my girls this month really started me thinking about Larry's passing from others perspective. The girls and I were having a heart-to-heart talk and they said, "Mom we need you to get remarried because we need a dad." I felt like somebody had put an arrow straight to my heart because it told me how much they were hurting and I recognize that it may not be something that I can give them. They went on to elaborate and explain that mom's do the indoor things like cooking and taking care of the house and they needed a dad to help with all of the dad things. As I reflected on their insights and feelings I started to wonder how it must be from their perspective. Being two disabled girls I hadn't ever thought about how much they looked to their father for physical strength and protection. I don't know what the future holds for me or for my family, but I do know the importance of learning to accept the life that we have been given and finding joy in that life!

I continue to go to the temple every week, go for a weekly massage, and write in my journal/blog on a regular basis. These things help me find strength and process the grief that I am going through. 

Four Month Anniversary of Larry's Passing

November 27, 2022 - December 26, 2022

This month has been filled with a roller coaster of emotions--Happiness, Sadness, Joy...

We started this month off right with a trip to Downata Hot Springs! This is one of my favorite happy places where I go to exercise, relax, and just enjoy the great outdoors!!!

The first Sunday of every December in our church our leaders give what they call a "First Presidency Christmas Devotional". This year we went to our good friends, The Robert's, house to watch it. As we usually have watched it at home together as a family, it was good to be in a different atmosphere where we weren't reminded quite so much of Larry's absence. After the devotional their very talented teenage daughter, Danika, offered to paint my nails. I love how they turned out and I was amazed at her perfectionistic "Y" that she free-handed from a picture off of the internet. My nails used to be very strong and grow really fast. I have noticed that my nail growth, my hair growth, and my sleep patterns have been out of wack since Larry's death and the last couple of months of his life. I have been taking supplements to help compensate for some of these things and I will know that I am starting to heal when these things start to equalize once again.

Last year for Christmas Larry gave me season tickets to The Old Barn Theater in Fielding, Utah because he knows how much I enjoy going to plays. Sadly, he was only able to attend one of those plays with me.😢 Luckily, my children ❤ to go to the plays. The play that we attended this month was "The Christmas Carol". Nate, Rachel, and Rachel's friend, Anslea, were my play buddies for this performance. The play was wonderful, but driving home in the fog through Logan not so much.😟

SNOW, SNOW, & MORE SNOW!!! I am so grateful for such good neighbor boys, and their dad, who came over to plow my lane during these storms. Larry was always so good at keeping our lane clear and keeping on top of the snow. Not only did he plow out our driveway, but he would plow for our neighbors across the street. We are both really feeling Larry's absence this year.

Progress on the ACE Store. The store continues to go up, slowly, but surely. As part of this project Enoch and I took a weekend trip with our business partner, Ben, to McCall Idaho to discuss our upcoming business and tour another ACE store. We also had the opportunity to stay at his beautiful cabin. It was such a blessing getting to know Ben better and having time to discuss our project. Ben, and his brother Brad, have been such a blessing in our lives in so many ways and I am so grateful to Heavenly Father for bringing them into our lives.

Bekah moves home from college! Going to college two weeks after her dad (her best friend) passed away was so hard for Bekah. Even though there were several bumps in the road, I am so proud of Bekah for doing hard things, facing her fears, and finishing out the semester. There have been many lessons learned and I am so grateful to Jen for always being there for us. It was super fun to meet up with all of the cousins for lunch after our long day of packing and cleaning. The boy next to Bekah in the picture is Hunter. Hunter was a very kind friend to Bekah whom she was able to go on a couple of dates with before coming home.

A much needed bowling night out with the kids. I love our bowling alley, "Pop 'N Pins". You even get to keep score the old fashioned way with good old pen and paper. This is where part of the movie "Napoleon Dynamite" was filmed.

Night out with the Telford's. Lain and Tyler have been such good friends since we moved here. They have taught all of my older kids, and many kids from our community, to dance. I have not been dancing in a very long time so it was very fun for me to get out and do some dancing! I honestly am not a very good dancer, but luckily Enoch is very good at leading. After dancing we went to their house and enjoyed some good adult conversation and laughs in the hot tub.

I have a good friend that recently dropped these gifts off in conjunction with Larry's passing. These gifts were very much appreciated and I especially loved receiving them several months after his passing. The one lesson that I learned from being on the receiving end of these gifts is that when your loved one first passes away you are inundated with visits, cards, money, and gifts. The gifts that come later are very much appreciated and needed.

Banana, nut, chocolate chip muffins. I finally did some baking again! These were one of Larry's and one of my kids favorites--bananas, freshly ground whole wheat, fresh farm eggs, coconut oil, honey, walnuts, chocolate chips baked in stone wear and served with fresh cows milk--Yummy Perfection!

Ashley's Farewell. We have another missionary going out! Bekah's cousin, Ashley, was called to serve in the San Diego, CA mission and left the week before Christmas.

Last Tuesday I received a phone call from my cousin, Kerry (who lives three hours away from me), while I was working in Malad. She ask where I was. I told her I was at work. She said that she and her husband, Cliff, had driven out to my house to surprise me with some Christmas gifts and a visit. They ended up driving back to Malad and meeting me for lunch. It was so great to visit with them and catch up. 

As we got to visiting I was sharing an experience with them that I had with Larry during one of my weekly temple visits. I was actually able to feel him with me and it was such a strong and powerful feeling I will never forget. After I shared my experience Cliff shared an experience that he had also had with Larry, shortly after his passing, that made me cry because it made Larry's spiritual presence so real to me. Larry and I met Cliff when he started dating my cousin, Kerry, while we were living in Provo. Cliff and Larry always had a special bond and it was so cool to hear that the bond was still strong beyond the grave. Cliff and Kerry's surprise visit was one of the highlights of my Christmas this year.

This experience with Kerry reminded me of some beautiful and powerful thoughts that a friend shared with me from Wendy Nelson's book called "The Covenant Keepers". "Ask for angels to help you. This help is always available to those who keep their covenants. As we keep our covenants, the angels will not be able to be restrained from being our associates. I'm not talking about praying to angels. I'm talking about praying to our Heavenly Father, in the name of Jesus Christ for those on the other side to be dispatched to assist us. Perhaps a departed loved one could be sent to help you with whatever you need. Ask for angels (aka your ancestors and other loves ones) to help you with whatever you need or ask them to be dispatched to help those you love! As a covenant keeping man or woman, you can do that!"

Having some Christmas break fun at the 3-D movie "Puss in Boots".

I finished reading the Book of Mormon on Christmas day as a challenge from the Stake Presidency from our last Stake Conference. Larry and I had started reading it together before he passed. Larry would ask me to read out loud to him every night before we went to bed. I just continued reading where we had left off. Finishing what Larry and I had started before he passed, was another great blessing of closure for me.

One of the tools that I use often to help cope with the grief is meditation. One of the nuggets from one of my favorite meditations states: "You will not be able to spend hours together, but they will now be with you always. No matter where you are, or what you are doing, all you will have to do is call and their presence and love will be at your side. Feel this knowledge envelope you warming you to the core like a mug of apple cider on a cold day. Your loved one wants you to know that they are not abandoning you, they are becoming closer, more tied to you, but in a different way. The hardest part of this process is adjusting to this difference of constant presence, but physical absence. They cannot do the work for you, but they will be next to you every step of the way supporting and encouraging you."