Five Month Anniversary of Larry's Passing

Even though this month has been packed with so many people and activities, it has been a long, dreary and depressing month. I'm sure the relentless snow and short, dark days play a huge role in how I am feeling. I think also more of the permanency of Larry's passing has started to set in. A lot of the widows claim that year two is harder than the first year because of that reason. I really am blessed and grateful to have family living with me right now. It helps take the edge off of the loneliness and I don't know what I would have done without their help with all of the snow removal and all of the many other responsibilities that I have.

This is the Christmas card that we sent out to the community over Christmas. The building of our new store was a project that Larry had been working of for the past several years. I know that he would be very pleased with how things are moving forward and very proud of Enoch for doing such an amazing job at such a young age with such big shoes to fill. Not only will Enoch be involved with management when the store opens, he has also been a huge part of the actual building process which he has really enjoyed. We keep joking about how Larry is trying to figure out how to reconnect his Spirit with his body so that he can come help also because he would have loved to be part of the building process as well.  Dallin is currently managing the seed side of the business and Spencer has returned back to BYU to finish his education and comes home when he can to help out. They have both played a crucial role in keeping this side of the business alive and it warms my heart to see all three of them working and laughing together as we confront the very sizable tasks that we have in front of us. Larry would be so proud of these amazing young men!

Dallin and Alyssa both graduated from college in December and flew out to Florida to be with Alyssa's family for a month. They returned to Idaho mid January to start their college free life. Dallin came to help with the business until we can transition it over to other management. We were finally able to celebrate Christmas with them!

Dallin had my name for Christmas this year. I was super excited to open a "Family Adventure" challenge book. The Adventure Challenge is the original scratch-off keepsake with 50 unique adventures that help you explore outside your habits, dive deeper into your relationships and make meaningful memories for your family! We did our first challenge this month where we were challenged to build a large domino using things from around the house.

I was so grateful to be able to spend some time with my good friend, Rebekah McCullough, her boyfriend from Belgium, and her children at Downata hot springs. Despite the many challenges that she has had in life, she still remains one of the kindest people I know and has raised seven amazing children!

This month we said goodbye to my niece, Hailey Spencer, as she will be serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints in Washington for the next 18 months.

Sometimes I have to be creative as to how to keep the kids active during the winter. I started putting on the "King of Country" line dance videos and having Nate learn dances. He loved it and when we went to our friends house, The Mumford's, Nate was teaching everybody. We had so much fun!!!

It is a tradition in the Ward family that the week after Christmas we reserve the church and get together for a Christmas party. The white elephant gift exchange is one of my favorite things to do and is always a lot of fun! We also play games, eat lots of yummy food, dance, and have a talent show. I am so grateful to the Ward family for putting on this fun tradition that our family has the opportunity to be part of. 

This was a number put on by Bekah and all of her cousins who also attend BYU-I.

This month I lost my bragging rights for never having hit a deer. I had picked up Ben from working at Deseret Industries in Preston when a deer came out of nowhere and I hit it with my Honda. Even though Ben and I were a little shook up, I was so grateful that nobody was hurt and the damage was minimal.

I got Spencer to take us all shooting in preparation for me practicing shooting for the Women's Conference that I was planning to go to in St. George. One of the activities that I was planning on participating in was the shotgun shooting and it has been a minute since I have shot a gun. It helped me feel a lot more prepared and it turned out to be a lot of fun!

January 14th & 15th I had the opportunity to attend the widow/widowers conference in St. George with my cousin, Julie, and her dad, Uncle Roger. They are officially Larry's blood relatives, but I claim them as my own.  This was the first time that I attended a full widow/widowers conference and for the most part I really enjoyed it. There were times where I felt awkward or out of place, but for the most part it was very healing and insightful to spend time with my widow/widower friends. In the shotgun shooting I ended up getting 5 out of 20 of my shots! Much better than the 0/0 that I was hitting in the beginning.

Following are cliff notes from Lisa Valentine Clark's opening talk on Joy. Lisa has been a widow for a couple of years and was a caretaker for her husband who tragically passed away from ALS. Lisa starred in "Once I Was a Beehive" and "Random Acts".

In order to have joy we must have pain

You can feel joy through the pain

Joy is a creative act (combine the light and the dark and create something new)

We need to open our minds to what is really possible. What if we were to open our minds to things that we hadn't even considered?

The Savior offer peace and joy that surpasses all understanding

Joy can be practiced by living in the moment and really living!

If you are not present in your life you will miss the joy!

Focus on the things that you can do

We have moments that take our breath away, just don't live there! Give yourself 10-15 minutes to cry, scream or whatever it takes and then get on with life!!!

Being present in grief is so important; find others to be present with you

Gratitude creates joy (gratitude journal)

Me posing for a picture with Lisa

We are so blessed to have the BYU ballroom dance team come and perform at our local theater every year. They are so incredibly talented and so fun to watch!!!

January 22nd was Ben's farwell. He has left to go and live with Spencer and Molly in Provo where he will be serving a two year service mission. Some of the places that he will be serving at include the temple, the Family History Library at BYU, and the MTC. He will also have some other assignments that we are still waiting to learn about. We also just got word that the Provo service mission will now be under the direction of the Provo mission president (they used to be under the Stake President) which will give Ben the opportunities to teach lessons with the full-time elders and be involved with the different mission meetings. Ben was so excited for this opportunity. I am proud of him and I know that Larry is watching him with great pride for his willingness to serve the Lord and serve others in this capacity. Larry loved missionary work so much and one of the things that we were looking forward to as a couple was serving a mission together. I am grateful that missionary work lives on through our children and I look forward to the day that Larry and I can serve together.

This is Ben's good friend, Baylor, whom we have not spent as much time as we we like to since leaving Malad. Ben and Baylor are the same age and have both faced great trials in regards to their physical health. His mother, Marla, and I are pictured below. She has been a very dear friend of mine since I showed up at her house about 16 years ago to introduce myself because I had a friend tell me that she too had a disabled son. We love Marla and Baylor so much and are so grateful for the blessing they have been in our lives.

A dear friend of mine brought me over this fast growing and blooming flower. It is beautiful and a great reminder that there is still a lot of beauty in the world and that I am loved.

In closing I would just like to share some thoughts from a book that I have been reading and a few other thoughts about grieving and experiences that I have had.

One thing I have worked really hard at, especially through this grieving process, is to really pay attention to what is going on inside of me and take the time to recognize and process my emotions.

In my more recent years I have come to a better understanding of how negative emotions can affect our health, just like a virus would. This was also one of the healing modalities that was addressed when we went to Hope 4 Cancer in Mexico.

I have found this book very helpful as I have worked to understand and process these things better. A quote that I really like from this book is as follows:

"Negative vibrations (fear based) create a heaviness in you, while the positive vibrations (love based) create a lightness. If you have experienced more negative vibrations throughout your life, you will feel an imbalance somewhere in your Be-ing. When the negative becomes so overbalanced, something finally has to happen to make you aware of this overbalance/imbalance...whether the imbalance be physical, mental, emotional, spiritual or financial. Many people will experience a crisis of some kind before they truly recognize that, one needs to take another road in life. Some of us have to get to the point of crisis before we are open to the possibility that we would really benefit by changing or shifting to a new awareness." 

I came across this quote on grief this month that I really liked:

"You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly - that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp. Make sure that you live your life through a lens of gratitude and appreciation. You are always going to be sad about your loss, but take that feeling and channel it into love for the life that is all around you."

An experience that I had with my girls this month really started me thinking about Larry's passing from others perspective. The girls and I were having a heart-to-heart talk and they said, "Mom we need you to get remarried because we need a dad." I felt like somebody had put an arrow straight to my heart because it told me how much they were hurting and I recognize that it may not be something that I can give them. They went on to elaborate and explain that mom's do the indoor things like cooking and taking care of the house and they needed a dad to help with all of the dad things. As I reflected on their insights and feelings I started to wonder how it must be from their perspective. Being two disabled girls I hadn't ever thought about how much they looked to their father for physical strength and protection. I don't know what the future holds for me or for my family, but I do know the importance of learning to accept the life that we have been given and finding joy in that life!

I continue to go to the temple every week, go for a weekly massage, and write in my journal/blog on a regular basis. These things help me find strength and process the grief that I am going through. 

Jill Ward Temple and Family History Work Talk

Today was Ben's mission farewell. I was ask to give a talk on Temple and Family History Work as part of the program. Following is the talk that I gave: 

Good afternoon brothers and sisters! After I saw who was all on the program I had to laugh. This is the second time this month that Levi Waldron has been sent to follow in my footsteps. A couple of weeks ago I was called to serve on jury duty. There were 40 of us called to serve that day. In the room full of people I only knew one other person in the room and that was Levi. Out of the 40 people only 13 were called to serve as jurors. I was called as number 12 and Levi remained with the 27 people who had not been called. After a series of questioning, I was excused from the jury and someone out of the remaining people in the room was called up to take my place. I later learned that that someone just happened to be Levi. So thank you Levi for always coming in behind me to be the clean up crew.

Thank you so much to everyone that has come in person and is joining us through zoom to support Ben on this special day. We love and appreciate all of you so much.

Ben, I want you to know how proud of you that I am and I know that Dad would want me to tell you how much he loves you and how proud he is of you also. In the last father’s blessing that dad gave to you, you were admonished to prepare well for your mission because there are a lot of people out there who need your special love and who await your help. You were also reminded how much Heavenly Father loves you, relies on you, and cares about you.

I was asked to speak today about Temples & Family History. I am so excited to take a few minutes to share a few thoughts with you about a subject that is very near and dear to my heart.

As most of you are aware, my husband, Larry, passed away last August after a very long and courageous battle with pancreatic cancer. I have worked very hard to keep life as stable as possible for my family at home and have made some goals to help me as I go through the grieving process. One of those goals has been to attend the temple every week. For the most part we have been doing pretty well, but this past week proved to be extremely trying.

I returned home on Sunday night from a Widow’s conference in St. George to a house full of family and to holes being cut in my basement ceiling in an attempt to figure out why the ceiling was leaking water and why our cold water had stopped working in some of our faucets. We discovered that several of our pipes had ice all around them. My anxiety skyrocketed about the possible cost and time required to fix this problem. I did not sleep well that night. The next morning I called our friend Rand to tell him what we had found and see if he had any ideas of what could be going on. I was so relieved when we discovered that the ice problem was a very simple fix. We learned that we have two heating systems for our upstairs–a heat pump that was designed to run through our air conditioner and a propane heater. The heat pump is not designed to run at super low temperatures and that was what was causing all of the ice. Once we switched the heat over to propane the majority of the problem was solved. Even though I was so relieved to learn about this simple solution, I was once again reminded of how hard it is sometimes to be a widow and learn the hard way of something that your husband forgot to tell you.

Tuesday at work I was blind sighted by a situation that happened dealing with a government entity. I especially cringe at having to deal with these entities because I have learned through the years that they make their own rules, that often apply to everybody but themselves, and they typically have no mercy. I was very overwhelmed and upset by what I was having to deal with (and it makes it extra hard not having a spouse to consult with). As Rand is my ministering brother, I ask him and his son, Jace, to give me a blessing that night. After the blessing Jace shared some very heartfelt words with me that really gave me great comfort and ultimately changed my whole perspective about my situation.

He shared with me that he had Larry’s picture from his obituary hanging up on his wall as Larry continues to be a great strength and inspiration to him. With tears in his eyes, he then said something to the effect that I have one of the best angels looking out for me and he assured me that everything was going to be ok.

As I pondered on those words I got out one of my favorite books called “Covenant Keepers” by Wendy Nelson and read these words: “As we keep our covenants, we can ask for angels to help us. Literally!”

She then goes on to quote Elder Holland “Now, I’m not talking about praying for fantasy angels with wings to magically fair-dust our problems away. I’m not talking about praying to angels. I’m talking about praying to our Heavenly Father, in the name of Jesus Christ, for those on the other side to be dispatched to assist us. Perhaps a departed loved one could be sent to help you with whatever you need.”

“President Joseph F. Smith declared: “When messengers are sent to minister to the inhabitants of this earth, they are not strangers, but from the ranks of our kindred (and) friends…In like manner, our fathers and mothers, brothers, sisters and friends who have passed away from this earth, having been faithful, and worthy to enjoy these rights and privileges, may have a mission given them to visit their relatives and friends upon the earth again, bringing from the divine Presence messages of love, of warning, of reproof and instruction to those whom they had learned to love in the flesh.”

Sister Nelson goes on to say, “So, could you use a little more help in your life? If so, keep your covenants with more exactness than you ever have before! And then ask for angels (aka your ancestors and other loved ones) to help you with whatever you need. Or ask for them to be dispatched to help those you love!”

After reading these words my thoughts were turned to the story of Elisha found in 2 Kings 6: 16-17 “And he answered, Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them. And Elisha prayed, and said, Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes, that he may see. And the Lord opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw; and, behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha.” 

Visualizing this in my mind helped me get past all of the fear and anxiety of the situations that I was having to face.

In President Nelson’s 2000 talk “Hear Him” he says that “We can hear Him in the temple...There we learn how to rebuke the adversary and draw upon the Lord’s priesthood power to strengthen us and those we love. How eager each of us should be to seek refuge there. The temples were still closed from the pandemic at the time and he went on to say, “When these temporary COVID-19 restrictions are lifted, please schedule regular time to worship and serve in the temple. Every minute of that time will bless you and your family in ways nothing else can.” While worshipping in the temple is presently not possible, I invite you to increase your participation in family history, including family history research and indexing. I promise that as you increase your time in temple and family history work, you will increase and improve your ability to hear Him.”

I have come to believe and understand that as we come to know our ancestors and serve them we are in a position to call upon them for help, much like we build relationships and acquaintances in this life and would be able to call on those around us.

My maiden name is Whitaker and I come from a very rich pioneer heritage. Growing up we had an aunt in the family named “Aunt Erma”. She was a big part in helping to compile this book that I am now blessed to have “The Whitaker Family in England and America”.  I have thoroughly enjoyed reading some of the stories from this book and getting to know some of my ancestors. I have especially been drawn to my 3rd great grandfather, George Whitaker, who left us with a 30 page autobiography of his experience of joining the church in England, meeting up with the Saints and some of the incredible spiritual experiences that they had, and traveling across the plains with Parley P. Pratt and Brigham Young. I feel like I have my own personalized version of “The Work and the Glory”.

If you haven’t had a chance to hear Elder Gong’s 2022 talk entitled “We Each Have a Story” I would highly encourage you to read it. He says, “Connecting with our ancestors can change our lives in surprising ways. From their trials and accomplishments, we gain faith and strength. From their love and sacrifices, we learn to forgive and move forward. Our children become resilient. We gain protection and power. Ties with ancestors increase family closeness, gratitude, miracles. Such ties can bring help from the other side of the veil.

Just as joys come in families, so can sorrows. No individual is perfect, nor is any family. When those who should love, nurture, and protect us fail to do so, we feel abandoned, embarrassed, hurt. Family can become a hollow shell. Yet, with heaven’s help, we can come to understand our family and make peace with each other.”

Pictures of the frozen pipes and holes in ceiling