As I reflect back on all that has happened over the past six months I feel so much gratitude to my Heavenly Father for giving me the strength, energy, wisdom, and healing to continue moving forward with my life as a widow, even though it has not always been easy and has pushed me greatly out of my comfort zones. I am also so, so grateful for all of the opportunities and blessings that I have been given as I go through this grieving process and adjusting to life without Larry.
We survived Bekah's first semester at college. Not only was she adjusting to the changes at college with a disability, she was also very much grieving the loss of her father, her best friend. I am so proud of Bekah for pushing through and growing in ways that have tested, and continue to test her, to the very core.
Since Larry's passing I have been able to more consistently go to Downata Hot Springs to swim and relax. I have also been able to carve time out of my busy schedule to attend the temple every week and go for a weekly massage. These things have been a foundational key in my healing process.
I have learned to get out of my comfort zones and start interacting with others who are in my same situation. I didn't realize how key this is in the healing process. When you are in mourning, your instinct is often to withdraw from society, but when we isolate ourselves we are actually perpetuating our sorrow. I attended my first LDS widow/widower conference about a month after Larry had passed. It was a very good conference and I learned a lot, but I felt very much like a fish out of water. For this conference I only attended classes as the activities were too much for me. A few months later I attended another conference in St. George where I got way out of my comfort zone and participated in the shotgun shooting. After practicing, I was able to hit the targets on about a quarter of my shots! I have also attended an activity at Crystal Hot Springs, a Valentines party, and a singles dinner in Logan. I am also getting ready to attend another widow/widower conference in Salt Lake.
Since Larry's passing I have almost survived (thanks to my children and extremely kind neighbors with very big and powerful tractors) the most relentless winter I can ever remember in my nineteen years of living in Idaho. It has been brutal! I am having to watch the weather very carefully as the majority of the days have snow in the forecast. Just looking at next week we have snow everyday with the exception of Thursday and Saturday. I am very grateful for the much needed moisture that we are receiving, it has just been a lot to adjust to and there are several of us that are now at high risk for flooding. There have been numerous times this year that I have gotten home from my day's activities and I can't get up my driveway because of the drifts (in past years it would maybe happen once a year). I have learned not to go anywhere without throwing my bogs, a warm coat, a hat, and gloves in the car because you never know when you might be stuck or hiking up a hill in the frigid weather. The pictures below show the crazy ice and how deep the snow is. If you look at our pasture area the horses could just walk over the fence. 😔I am also grateful for studded tires that we just had put on our snow plow truck. Just wish we had done it earlier in the year.
We have also mourned the loss of our milk cow that died from a nutritional disease because we were uneducated and not giving her the proper nutrition. This was devastating to me as it was one of my dad's cows and it was just the beginning of some of the steep learning curves I have had to go through with losing Larry and all of his wisdom. We continue to feed the two horses that were Larry's project. I am not sure what we will do with them yet, but thankfully we have been able to keep them alive. We have also acquired two of the cutest dogs that have very much become a part of our life. Rachel has a goldendoodle named "Sis" and Nate has a pompsky named "Buddy".
We have survived several 1st including Larry's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Valentines day. We have also had three missionary farewell's since Larry's passing--Ashley, Hailey, and Ben. I can only imagine that Larry was at these events. I pray daily to feel his presence in our lives and I am grateful for the times that I have felt his presence.
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| The kids surprised me with a "heart attack" on my door for Valentine's💕 |
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| These are the flowers that the boys bought me for Valentine's Day from Larry.❤ |
Some of the family activities we have been involved in this month include attending the movie "A Man Called Otto" with Aunt Christine and Shelby. This was a very good movie, but a little rough on the heart strings especially for someone who has lost a spouse. We attended the Rexburg temple visitors center while in town for Nate's wrestling match. We celebrated Dallin & Enoch's birthdays. We celebrated West Side's 1st ever team wrestling trophy at state. They took 3rd place, beating Malad who took 4th place (I never thought I would see the day)! To add to the excitement, Colton Gunderson came home with a 1st place medal!!! This was someone that Enoch has helped coach through the years. Larry loved working with the youth and would have been so proud of these boys. I have to believe that he was there in spirit. The Mumford family was so kind and included us in their yearly ice skating at twin lakes. It was so much fun and it just felt good to be outside!!!
One of the hardest part of losing your spouse is being a single parent. You have lost something, a parent is that is their flesh and blood and cares about them more than anyone else in this world, that can never be replaced. Rachel was miraculously able to get her feeding tube out in December. Larry would have either been with us for the procedure or at home taking care of things there, but this time I was all on my own. He had such a comforting and calming influence with me and my children and I miss it everyday.
The ACE store has come a long way since Larry's passing and is scheduled to be finished in May and open in June. The Ward Feed & Seed project has been both healing and hard on our family. All of our lives are on hold as we work to manage and figure out the future of these businesses. This month I had my first really bad bought with anger. I felt very angry that Larry brought me here to his home of Idaho and left me with his life. If I had a choice I would not be running two stores right now and living on the property that I do by myself. I just felt very angry at Larry for bringing me here and then abandoning me. I was so angry that I took down all of his pictures off of the wall in our bedroom. The anger lasted about a day and they were back on the wall by the next morning.
