It has been a month now since Larry left this world. Even though I was so happy to hand him over to the "Master Healer", I would have rather have had him healed and here with our family. The five stages of grief that oscillate between as we try to adjust to a new reality are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The "sting of death" has been something that I have recently become acquainted with and have prayed continually for the Lord to help succor me through this process.
Everyday I make myself get up and get out bed. To allow my mind to go into a deep depression or start asking "why questions", that have no good answers, will only lead me down dark roads and is something I have worked to avoid at all costs. For the many nights that I have had trouble sleeping I will often listen to meditations to help heal the pain that I am going through and relax my body. Other sleepless nights I will write in my journal or call a friend.
The loneliness and sadness that I feel runs very deep and is very hard to explain. One of the most heart wrenching aspects of losing Larry is that I have lost the only other person in this world who loves my kids as much as I do and I have lost my sounding board for kid struggles and the calming force that he was in our home. Bekah has really struggled since going to college. Yes she probably did go to soon after her father's passing, but what else was she going to do? Her track to go to college was Fall/Spring. If she didn't go in the fall she would have had to wait until spring and there is nothing here for her, especially when we live in the middle of nowhere and she does not have the ability to drive places. We could have possibly petitioned BYU-I to get on the winter track, but Rexburg is not a good place for her to be in the winter
She made it two weeks at school before we made the decision to switch her to all online classes and bring her home for a few weeks. Our learning curve for having somebody with her disability sustainably survive at college was just too high. Her scooter (which is essentially her legs to be able to get around) was also giving her problems and had become unreliable. She also had a problem with one of her roommates disobeying the rules about boys being in the apartment and it was making Bekah feel very uncomfortable. I was really missing Larry's counsel in knowing how to deal with this situation and I really missed him when we went to go up and pick up Bekah and visit with her roommates about Bekah's situation and the situation with her roommates. It was such a blessing that one of my good friends went with me, but I really missed Larry's gentleness. He would have had a way with the girls that I just did not have.
Last night I attended my first widow event. It was a very lovely dinner held in the Relief Society room at our stake house. Even though it was nice to get out and meet some of the sisters who are going through similar struggles, it was hard and I did not feel like I belonged there, especially because I was one of the youngest, if not the youngest, one there. I did however, meet an elderly lady that knows how to make the memory bears out of flannel shirts and has offered to help me make some for my kids for Christmas.
I went to my water aerobics class on Wednesday at Downata hot springs for the first time since February. I didn't realize that I hadn't been in so long and it felt soooooo good to be back. I have always loved the water and I love being out in the fresh air and sun shine while I get some exercise that is easy on my joints. I have also been going to get a weekly massage. Massage has always been a very healing thing for me and I will likely go every week for probably the first year as I try to make sense of everything and adjust to a new life.
Other things things that have happened since his passing:
1. His funeral, burial, and design of his headstone. Even though the funeral ending up being two hours long it was beautiful and helped to give a lot of closure to Larry's passing. It has been healing to celebrate his life and have recorded memories and a picture video of his life. His headstone will serve as a constant reminder of who he was, what he stood for, and of the eternal family that we have.
2. Five days after his passing we had a baby calf born that we named "Little Larry". Because the momma cow had so much extra milk, we ended up getting three more calves to put on her. Tragically, three weeks after she gave birth she died from milk cow disease. Due to our lack of knowledge of how to properly take care of a nursing cow, she literally gave her life to these calves. Our Bishop is a vet and he came out to try to save her with an IV, but sadly it was just too late. What made this loss even more tragic for me is that the milk cow was my dad's and has been in our family for years. She was such a good cow and it was heart breaking that she had to die the way she did. I made the decision to give all of the baby calves to another farmer who could take care of them. Nate is very upset that "Little Larry" is no longer here and we are looking at getting him back.
3. I have started going through Larry's clothes and things, but keep finding myself freezing through the process. It is very hard for me to have his things just laying around, but the process of being able to think about and do something with them is a lot harder than I ever imagined. So many memories attached to even just the littlest things.
4. I took the kids to the traveling tabernacle that was in Logan. It was so good and it was a spiritually uplifting reminder of our purpose here on earth and the power and importance of covenants that we make with God when we go through the temple.
5. I have continued to attend the temple on a weekly basis. I love the peace that I feel when I go there and I love being able to put people's names on the prayer roll whom I know that are in need of blessings from on high.
6. I have started on the checklist of all of the paperwork that needs to be done in relation to Larry's passing. There is a lot to do and I just have to fit it in between taking care of children and everything else that I have going on.
7. Our ward has had a service project at our house to help get us set up for winter. One of my biggest concerns about staying where I am at is being adequately able to manage our 8 acres and all of our equipment on my own. I am so grateful that so many kind people have stepped in to make sure that I am set up for the winter. I would really like to be able to stay here because I love it here and I don't know where else I would go, but I have got to get things to where they are manageable for me to be able to take care of.
8. We planted an oak tree in our play set area in honor of Larry that was given to us by IFA.
9. We attended a BYU game together as a family. This is one of the three yearly traditions that we decided we would start doing as a family in his honor before he passed.
10. I have made it through another month of overseeing the operations and doing the book work for our two businesses. In the near future this will be one of the most stressful aspects of what I am dealing with. We are working on getting the seed side of the business sold, but there is so much work that goes into this whole process. On the retail feed side of the business the new store is currently under construction and will be opening in the spring. I am so grateful for all of my boys help with all of these projects, but it has been very difficult on all of us as we try to adjust to a "new normal".
I love the following quote by Elder Wirthlin that was shared at the widows conference:
"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.
One of the blessings of the gospel is the knowledge that when the curtain of death signals the end of our mortal lives, life will continue on the other side of the veil. There we will be given new opportunities. Not even death can take from us the eternal blessings promised by a loving Heavenly Father."
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