The last few nights I have had great difficulty sleeping, largely due to the fact that my thoughts keep turning to Mom. I really feel that she doesn't have much time left in this life. For her sake I will be so happy for her to be relieved from the mortal suffering that she has endured for so many years. I don't know what these feelings and thoughts I am having mean, but I felt that I should share them so that each of you will be prepared when the time comes.
I keep having several thoughts run through my head--Where will we bury her? We have talked about Kanosh. Is this feasible? How do we go about making these arrangements? Where will we hold the funeral? Who will we invite to the funeral? Who will speak at the funeral? How will we pay for all of this? What kind of traditions do we want to start to honor her life? etc, etc... I really think that these are things that we need to be talking about and planning.
I have had the great privilege and honor of going through the remaining pictures, geneology, and paperwork of her life that I took home with me the last time that we were all together. I feel like I have hit a gold mine as I go through this information. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am starting to make sense of all of the confusion and hurt and anger that are associated with Mom. It is so healing for me to read her words during her healthy years before mental illness robbed her of her life and us of our childhood. I thank God that she took the time to keep a record of her life so that we could know these things.
She was such an amazing woman who loved us, the Lord, and her fellowman. She spent the best years of her life (and of ours) taking care of us: cooking for us, sewing for us, washing and ironing our laundry, gardening, canning, and nurturing us in so many ways (including taking us to regularly have our hair done and her hair done). She also took the opportunity to better herself by taking college courses and she even learned to make cheese.
She served her family also by faithfully working on her geneology which is evidenced by all of the records that she has compiled. She faithfully fulfilled her calling as a visiting teacher, as a teacher in the Primary, and even as a member missionary. There is a part where she talks about making a dress for a lady in her ward so that she would come to church. That kind of charity is really the heart of our mother.
I'm sure that these things did not come naturally or easily for a woman who spent her first few years of life living in a boxcar in the remote town of Carlin, Nevada and a large portion of her life being bounced around from foster home to foster home, many of which were extremely verbally abusive. One very interesting thing that I learned is that she used to keep the books for the cleaning business that she and Dad owned in their early years together (boy does that sound familiar). My plan is to compile all of her journals, put them in order, and make copies for everyone. I will do something similar with her pictures. I will have these done as soon as time and money allow.
She served her family also by faithfully working on her geneology which is evidenced by all of the records that she has compiled. She faithfully fulfilled her calling as a visiting teacher, as a teacher in the Primary, and even as a member missionary. There is a part where she talks about making a dress for a lady in her ward so that she would come to church. That kind of charity is really the heart of our mother. I'm sure that these things did not come naturally or easily for a woman who spent her first few years of life living in a boxcar in the remote town of Carlin, Nevada and a large portion of her life being bounced around from foster home to foster home, many of which were extremely verbally abusive. One very interesting thing that I learned is that she used to keep the books for the cleaning business that she and Dad owned in their early years together (boy does that sound familiar). My plan is to compile all of her journals, put them in order, and make copies for everyone. I will do something similar with her pictures. I will have these done as soon as time and money allow.
Some people look forward to their parent passing for the big inheritance that they will receive. I feel that I have been given something greater than the riches of this world by having my mother's records so that I could see just a glimpse of who my mother really was. I am so grateful for her life, for her good example, and the foundation in life that she laid for each of us. I hope that each of us can honor her life by building on the good foundation that she set for us.
I love each of you so very much. I have been put in kind of a weird role in life. As the oldest sibling of a family that does not have a mentally-present mother, I have often felt responsible for each of you. I think about and pray for each of you often. Sometimes I don't know what else to do as I watch each of you with your different struggles--sometimes I don't know what else to do for my own struggles.
I would love to hear each of your thoughts, feelings, and ideas about Mom or just about whatever. We have stood together for so many years and I pray that we will continue to stick together as we continue to go though life.
A Sister That Loves You Very Much,
Jill
